what needs to happen

I keep seeing all these posts about ‘letting go’ and wondering, have I always just scrolled passed these, or are the majority of tumblr users I follow, as big of failures in relationships as I am?

Seriously though, I no longer argue with myself over reasons to ‘hang on’, there is no other option left for me…its time to let go.

I am letting go of all that shit I carried around for nearly a decade, letting go of someone I should have a long time ago. Letting go of a feeling I thought I had abolished ages ago.

I

am

letting

go.

How about NO!

I am due for another melt down soon enough and having the guy who made me feel guilty for things that are not in my control, call me, come to my door drunk and continuously spew bullshit apologies…is not helping.

The crazy part in all of this is, I love and miss him. The insane part is that I am allowing myself the contact with him when I know I’m vulnerable, when he knows I’m vulnerable. Oh sure the fact that I tried to lay him out in a drunken rage only seemed to add fuel to his disgustingly fucked up fire. I was angry and hurt and made the mistake of going to a place he frequents, I knew exactly what I was doing.

I wanted to hurt him and I did, I felt terrible after because it solved nothing, okay I lied, I felt like I was on top of the world and even if I rolled my ankle in the process, I felt a million times better, so it solved the tension, stress and rage I was trying to repress but it doesn’t change what happened or how I feel about it.

Now he’s calling me, telling me he’s thinking about me, he misses me and the sane part of me knows how full of shit he is, the not so sane part…wants to find a way to make it work even if every part of me knows it couldn’t. 

I am bouncing back from a relationship gone wrong and am perfectly fine. Well not perfectly, but I am getting through it okay. I worried so much about being hurt, I’m not sure I even gave him a proper chance but I did learn so much from being with him. I have been cheated on and called names and made to feel a lot less than my worth in my relationships but I’m still standing.

Strength is something I thought I was pretending to possess, something I thought I was fooling everyone with…turns out I really have it. I am so much wiser than I was eight years ago, I know what I want and there will always be questions, doubts and challenges but I am sure of myself and that truly makes the hugest difference. 

I no longer fear being alone, being broken, being hurt because I can recover from all those things, I’ve been there and come out in one piece. Its a lot of work to build and maintain a relationship and I understand now that a healthy relationship takes two, no one should have the upper hand or control, it wont always be equal but it should always remain balanced. 

It will be time to try again soon enough and I will be ready.